A Loss Of Essence
by fantasyaddict101
Summary: Elita and Optimus are expecting their first sparkling, but will she ever tell him? Perhaps when he comes back from his mission... Elita's POV. A bit angsty. Two chapters.
1. A Gain of Essence

**All glory goes to hummergrey! More about her next chapter! Read her stories too!**

**Orn= one day for them (but our equivalent of 13 days) (they live for hundreds of thousands of years so there concept of time is different)**

**Astrosecond = half an earth second (their equivalent of a second)**

* * *

_[Centuries ago on a temporary Autobot base in the galaxy...]_

**-Elita's POV-**

With one last kiss, Optimus rolled off of me and closed his chassis plates along with mine. I nuzzled my head against his chassis feeling the frantic pulsing of his spark, mine even faster as a result of our spark merge. Tonight was intense and passionate, more than usual which surprised both of us, but the after effect of our love was...bliss.

I love him with all my spark. We've been sparkmates for almost a vorn, and would be celebrating our first vorn anniversary soon, and this night had erased any and all boundaries in our intimacy. I looked up to see his proud smile knowing that both of us were immensely pleasured. Slowly kissing any part of him accessible to me, I focused on sending strong signals of my love through our spark bond.

"Do you have to go to Dengier Four?" I mock-whined. We embraced even closer in our tent.

He pecked me again, "Yes. I'm sorry, but it will only be a few orns. And then I can spend time with you for a while during the transport to the next Decepticon base."

"I hate when you leave," whispering, I clutched onto his arm armor as if that could keep him here forever.

"And I don't enjoy being away from you either, my love, but I am still Prime," he brushed his lips against my digits, "Believe me, if I weren't the last Prime, I'd give up all this chaos to be with you everyday, all the time. Go back to being a bridge welder and expand our family," he continued sliding his digits within my chassis plates to feel the warmth of my spark.

"One day," I murmured, "But tonight..." I continued suggestively.

Catching the change in my tone, he shifted his weight over me once more and pressed his lips to mine.

* * *

I watched Chromia and Ironhide embrace before he loaded aboard the transport. Many other couple were also saying their farewells before the troops went on the scouting mission on Dengier Four.

After Optimus and the other left, I began to toy with some battle plans I would brief the rest of my femme army on later. I was still the Femme Commander after all. I stretched, noticing one of my abdomen cables was not strung properly. I called over the CMO, Ratchet, who had hung back from this recent endeavor.

"Sure," he agreed when I told him of my discomfort. His digits turned into tiny tools as he repaired the loose connection. Also tightening some others, he suddenly stopped. "Elita, would you please open your chassis plates for me?"

I jolted, shocked by his unexpected proposal.

He rolled his optics, "No, no, not like that. I just wanted to check your spark,"

"Is everything okay?"

"Yes, just something showed up on my readings,"

I was embarrassed at first to expose myself out in the open until I noticed that it was 90% femmes here as of now and the remaining mechs were either in recharge or a medic.

A moment later, he stepped back and grinned, "Elita," he began, "You're expecting a sparkling."

I felt as if everything around me had paused. My database computed very slowly until the words gained meaning. A warmth flooded through my systems and I couldn't help but hug Ratchet. Like a youngling (and very unlike a Femme Commander) I sprang up and down in excitement. Though Optimus 's signal was very dim now, I sent a flood of love through it, hoping he'd notice.

"Would you like for me to tell Optimus?" Ratchet asked,

"No, I want it to be a surprise! And Ratchet, will you be my transferring medic for when it's time?"

He nodded then giving him a peck on the cheek plate, left.

* * *

I strode away to my private tent and looked inside my chassis, still almost unbelieving it. Sure enough though, in my recently barren sparkling chamber, a very tiny and faint spark held residence there. I had never thought that my chamber would ever hold a small little life inside of it, but now it did. Learning something was in there made my chassis feeling like it held an extra thousand pounds, but I would happily carry the weight of my lover's child.

My happiness subsided for half an astrosecond when I remembered that Optimus and I were both commanders in the heat of a war and that we had thought about sparklings for after the battles had ended, but I suppose that somethings can't be planned.

I registered Chromia, my closest friend, passing by. I invited her in because since this was a new temp-base, she hadn't come in yet.

"Ah, so here's the new _place of business_," she teased pervertedly as she jumped onto my berth. "Hm, this berth still feels limber. Ironhide and I have already gone through two berths, I'm getting a new one for when they comes back...industrial strength this time."

"How did you possibly break two? We've been here about five orns!"

"The first one way his fault! He..." she giggled and relaxed her pose as she remembered, "Well, you probably don't want to know in detail... so never mind, just know that it was his fault. The second one was me, I forgot to turn off my cannons. When I overloaded: Whoopsie,"

Elita shook her head sadly, "Anyways, I have a little announcement, but you can't tell anyone! As of now, not even Ironhide!"

Chromia leaned forward, "Yeeeah?"

"I'm with a sparkling!" I blurted.

Almost shattering my sound receptors with her excited squeal, she gave me friendly pecks on the cheek plates and congratulations. "When are you due for transfer?"

I calculated the time. The sparkling must have formed last night, so... "Half an orn after they come back! It's so soon! Only three orns from now! I can't wait to tell Optimus!"

* * *

One orn passed as I began to become restless for my mech to come home. He had contacted me, but the connection cut short before I could muster the courage to tell him over the link.

Chromia left me for a while to contact Ironhide privately, but in my loneliness, I began to think. I was starting to feel my little sparkling next to my spark. I could feel its pulses out of time with mine. Some of the pulses would skip, then pick up. Hundreds of possibilities taking place. Was it alright? Was there something wrong with me? Was I giving it enough energy for it to live?

I almost sprinted to Ratchet and had him check the sparkling twice.

"It's fine, do you want to know the gender?"

"Good, and no. What's with it's pulses?"

"Nothing. It's a developing spark, sometimes they have unnatural beats. It's normal, don't worry."

A loud giggle echoed in the temp-med bay as Chromia laughed in the next door room. The CMO grunted, "Hm, by the way Ironhide has been talking to Chromia lately, I'd bet that they'd be the next to create a sparkling," he gasped, "I almost forgot, I've made a shell for the sparkling, would you like to see it?"

I nearly said yes, but then I remembered that it would reveal the gender of the sparkling, "No."

"Oo, my sexy-mech, I can't wait for you to come back. I just want to see your big,-," Chromia purred.

I slammed the wall with my fist the same time as Ratchet, "Hey! I don't want to hear this!"

"I was going to say 'your big _smile_'!" she laughed. "Bye baby, I love you too," she said, closing her connection with Hide. The blue femme followed me outside, "He said that everyone is fine. Optimus can't wait to see you again. He's entirely excited to see you now, can't wait to see his reaction when you tell him about the spa-" she cut short. Her optics unfocused. There was a faint clicking as one of her weapons targeting systems popped up.

"Chromia! What's wr-"

"GET DOWN!"

An explosion rocked us both backwards, Chromia began to fire instantly at the far off Decepticons ambushing the base. I sent a distress signal to my Femme troop. They sprang from their tents and the real clash began. I brought out my largest rifle and shot the green mech coming towards me easily in the chest, he only to be offlined an astrosecond later by Chromia next to me. There were not many, but it was easy to understand that this was an elite force as two of my femmes were offlined by the hand of one larger mech.

Unsubspacing two swords, I slashed the arms off one and kicked his legs out from under him. I ran back as with a final attempt, he shot at me, scraping my armor. Chromia and I became distanced.

"Elita! No!" Chromia yelled. Her optics unfocused again, far, very far in the mountains. She lunged at me-

But it was too late. Before she even was able to get herself off the ground, a giant plasma capsule, literally white hot, blasted my chassis armor and flew out my back, another lodged into my arm, but was almost forgotten.

Pain.

I screamed in agony. Every instant of those two astroseconds of the weapon fire hitting me replayed over and over: the bullet pierced my front armor, then something shattered behind my chassis plate, my spark felt inflamed as connections broke free and finally the capsule left my body, but left a slag load of damage. My last clear register was my energon spraying out of the back of my body. Warning signals clouded my vision though I was entirely aware of the fact. Sensors on my left side were all on fire, the right side, ice cold.

Chromia somehow guided my fall, but by then I totally blacked out. I laid in a pool of my own energon while my body convulsed. Fuzzy sounds reached me.

"MEDIC!" Chromia screamed. What felt like an eternity later, Ratchet worked his tools through my body. Through slow blinks, I saw more medics crowding around me. Why were there so many? I strained to open my optics wider to see, Chromia had a truly horrifying expression for the beholder. Someone was going to offline soon. Ratchet's was...scary. I had never seen a mech so fallen into hopelessness and...

My sparkling.

I screeched trying to get to my sparkling chamber, but other hands held me down. I thrashed until something sharp pierced my side. My body went numb and I could hear their words better.

"-spark spires-"

"Pit faced, slagger! - fragged - aft! Fragging -'Con! -lita!" Chromia swore to no one in particular.

It was silent for a moment until I heard the words I'd never forget:

"The sparkling is lost,"

In my frenzy, I send a burst of energy at Optimus and he somehow answered from all the distance away, ::Elita! What's wrong!:: Optimus

Either the medication or my despair offlined me.


	2. A Loss of Essence

**Hummergrey is an amazing author and is writing one of my favorite stories, "If an Autobot, do NOT do the following," which is hilarious, dramatic, romantic, and just a totally great story! In chapter 72 of the fic, she wrote vaguely about Elita losing her first spark and I immediately wanted to elaborate that on the memories of that chapter! Please read her story!!! And review mine! ;D**

**Breem= about 8 minutes**

**All glory goes to hummergrey! Love ya!!!!**

* * *

Unfortunately, I was not permanently offlined.

Instead, I woke up to overly bright light and a frazzled and clearly distressed Chromia. Ratchet was also sitting beside my berth. There was some tubing coming from my body, but I was focused on their facials.

I felt empty.

"Elita," the CMO began, "The sparkling is gone."

My entire body started shaking. I made no sound.

"A Decepticon sniper targeted you, he aimed for the spark, but you shifted a bit, and the capsule...released the essence of the sparkling in your holding chamber. I repaired your chamber, but I would insist on waiting a little while if you decide to try again with Optimus," he continued slowly and carefully.

The emptiness in that small spot of my chassis quickly spread to every extremity, I wasn't alive, I was nothing. As he said the word "released," the pain of my chamber shattering within my body replayed again, even stronger.

"Most of your spark spires melted also, but I-"

"Ratchet," I whispered.

"Yes," he said quietly.

"Leave," I tried to say politely, but it came out as an order.

"I understand," he said and ducked out.

The moment his footpad left, I burst into hysterical tears in Chromia's arms. I screamed every Cybertronian swear in my private med-tent. I was breaking apart inside. My sparkling chassis was a black hole, sucking my spark into it and leaving the rest of me in pieces. Within the moments that I cried, I contemplated self-offlining at least a hundred times. My sensors detected a rapid decrease in my extra fluids and I literally cried all I could until I was replenished later on. Horrible choked sounds escaped from me, but Chromia only held me tighter and cradled me along with cooing sounds. What was happening? I was a femme leader Primus-dammit! I shouldn't act like this! But fluctuating emotions persuaded me to not give a frag.

"I'm going to kill him," I seethed.

"Already done," she murmured.

Though my tearless sobs did not cease, I finally looked into her face.

"I'm sorry, I knew that you would have wanted to, but he was beginning to retreat. I traced the shot back to the fragger..." her servos shook also, "I tore him apart slowly...I still can't believe the horrible creature that I had become while he slowly offlined, but-" she cut off too, also shaken by all of this.

"Don't tell Optimus..." I repeated over and over. He had more important things to think about than this horrible fate I had become burdened with.

Chromia's body stiffened when I said my lover's name, "What's wrong?" I squeaked.

"Optimus is injured," she whispered.

"Oh Primus," I moaned, "Why...why now!"

"There was a second Decepticon ambush on the part of Dengier Four...he became distracted right as a bomb went off and was....badly injured, but for now he was put in stasis lock for a faster recovery,"

"He was distracted by my stress-bond wasn't he?" I asked, my vocals coming out scratchy yet gurgling-like.

Chromia did not answer.

"It's all my fault! Everything is my fault! I'm the one who moved! I distracted Optimus! I-I-" I wailed again, fresh tears water-falling from the corners of my optics.

"Elita, none of this is your fault. You've made no mistakes." she whispered as she let me cry.

A breem later, I asked Chromia to leave me. "Wait, before you go, when will Optimus come out of stasis?"

"In two orns,"

"Don't tell him if he wakes early...Don't tell Ironhide and tell Ratchet and all the other medics that I will offline them all if they so much as speak a word of this again!" I screamed the last words, hatred taking over my body.

Chromia nodded and left.

I locked all access to my tent, blocked all com-links, I wanted to be alone.

For an orn I stayed in the dark, reaching my digits into my empty spark chamber and willing for life to return to the barren holding place.

I suppose Primus wasn't listening this orn...or any orn.

* * *

::Elita?::Optimus

I woke to the sound of Optimus over our private link. I wiped my dried tears from my face plates before mustering some enthusiasm.

::Optimus. Are you okay?:: Elita

Even over the link, I think I sounded dead.

::Yes, just the last parts of repairing now. Are _you_ okay? You don't sound well, love. Come see me, I can't get up right now:: Optimus

::Coming:: Elita

I couldn't even form full sentences. I didn't want to talk. To move. To live. I wanted death. Now.

Or not death to me just yet. First to murder every Decepticon with my bare servos, then join the matrix in a self-offlining.

Pondering my sluggish thoughts, I eventually arrived at Optimus's tent.

We kissed. Then I sat down in the chair next to him.

"Are you alright, Elita?" Optimus's facial plates mixed into deep concern.

"Yes. Functional." Damn, I sounded like Soundwave now.

"Elita, tell me. You're not okay,"

I thought about telling him about all that happened. Release to him the emptiness and spark-break that consumed by life right now...but-

"I feel guilty. I contacted you before you got hurt. My fault," I mumbled.

He didn't look entirely convinced,"It's not your fault...I distracted myself. You didn't do anything Lita."

"Oh. Okay. I must command my Femmes." and I left abruptly. I desperately wanted to just run back to my tent when-

"Elita, are you okay?" Firestar asked innocently.

"You should mind your own business!" I snapped at her. It was uncalled for, but I couldn't find the words to apologize.

She straightened her stance and briskly walked away.

I barged into the Femme Army tent which held most of my troops. "Is anyone hurt from the other day?" I asked commandingly.

"We're all functional, ma'am," someone answered.

"Then take this orn to rest. Tomorrow there will be a meeting, and the orn after, training of new battle tactics. Rest up!"

I needed to keep my database busy, anything to stay away from the pain of-

::Elita, will you come back?::Optimus

::Yes:: Elita

I grabbed some datapads from our other tent and ran back to his med-tent. I busied myself with creating new battle moves, barely looking at him,

"Do you want to talk about something? Optimus asked, beginning to get frustrated.

"No. Must work. Femme Commander." I tried to make my tone light...I was failing miserably.

"Elita, don't worry about me, it isn't your fault," he tried.

I only nodded. Our conversations lasted of me giving "yes" or "no" answers, after a while, I wasn't even following what he was talking about. Different battle scenarios battled behind my optics. I focused on that as I scribbled my thoughts onto the datapads. Only later I noticed that Optimus had fallen into recharge.

* * *

"Hello Elita," Optimus greeted mock- brightly when he woke up.

I had stayed up all night working on my datapads, yet accomplished almost nothing.

He tried to read my face again, but I gave him a blank response. He tried to access my thoughts, but I locked him out.

"Why won't you let me comfort you," he yelled at me. I jolted noticeably, jumpy today.

"I don't know," I mumbled.

"Elita, I love you, I want to help if there's something wrong, please, tell me!" he asked again, desperation in his vocals.

"I-we..." I broke off then changed what I was going to say, "I want you to get better, soon. You're the last Prime. You need to focus on getting stronger Autobot forces under your command," this response was rehearsed, "Just...get better, and I'll get better, okay," I sealed my lie with a long kiss. "Um, I have to go...Minor injuries. Ratchet," I whispered as I tried to control the fresh vat of tears ready to be expelled from my optic corners.

* * *

He did not call for me, but I still made my way to Ratchet's. Thankfully he had no patients as of now.

He looked at me as I walked over to and then curled onto an examination table. "Is there something wrong with me? I'm not allowed to become anything more than a Femme Commander?"

"Elita, don't think that way. Listen, I've been looking over your scans and you and Optimus can try again in about 8 orns as long as the nannites take well to the internal injuries...but I would suggest trying again within this vorn...or there is a strong possibility that it may be very difficult to create another essence."

More good news.

"Ratchet...I can't go through this kind of pain again...not now. And Optimus shouldn't either. Nothing should interfere with his focus on the war. After the war, we can try again."

"Elita, I just told you, you might not-"

"And I just told _you_, Ratchet!" I snapped, "I'm not going to try again!"

He paused, "You still haven't told him have you."

"I'll tell him when the time is right."

His multi-faceted optics bore deep into me. "He is your spark-mate. You'll need to tell him at some point."

"No I don't." I concluded then walked out of the med-tent.

* * *

A Cyber-week later, Optimus was discharged from his med-tent. I visited him, but was never really _there_. My database had fallen into a void...how long would it take me to get out of it?

Uncertain and uncomfortable looking, Optimus wrapped me in his arms. "What's wrong," he kissed my neck wires and I had to pull away.

"Nothing, nothing is wrong," I repeated again. What was on my face that made everyone ask me what was wrong? I shivered at the possibilities.

"If it's about distracting me during the fight, you didn't distract me! I know you always think about things too much and it wasn't your fault! It was a surprise attack...I have a gift for you," he pulled out a long black rifle. "It's my best rifle, I want you to have it from now on. To protect you,"

Before I could protest, he finished, "I'll have Ironhide or Wheeljack make me a new one. Please, if you won't tell me what's bothering you, let me please just give you something,"

"You're all I ever need," I said, finally telling the truth about something.

He brought out a small holo-crystal. He pressed a side of it, and then a hologram of the bridge of Iacon formed in front of me. Tears sprung back, but for once, happy tears. As if reading my thoughts, he turned it upside down and, just as the real one was designed, our old names Ariel and Orion were spelled in the construction of it.

I gave him a real kiss then went back to staring at the hologram. I remembered all our memories under that bridge. Spending endless orns beneath it, when he asked me to become his sparkmate...

He kissed back twice and I allowed him to cuddle with me. "Happy first vorn of bonding remembrance,"

The crystal nearly dropped from my servos, but he caught it easily. How did I forget?

"Oh Optimus," I threw myself on him, wanting him to become one with me. I needed him to pleasure me. Yes, horrible things will happen in my existence, I concluded, but there was always room for new beginnings...and love. "Thank you, I love you. I love you. Just be with me forever. Never leave me. I love you." I cut off any responses he may have had with my lips. Tears trailed down my face, both happy and sad.

I promised then that I would never make him unhappy. Ever. I can't let him suffer through this kind of pain.

I won't let him learn of our lost essence.

**THE END...**

* * *

**To know when and how Optimus finally found out, read "If an Autobot, do NOT do the following" by hummergrey and her sequel (in progress) "If an Autobot, do NOT do the following 2"!!!**

**And just a note, Optimus really just thinks that Elita was sad because she had him believe that she was upset that she distracted him from the ambush. I tried not to make Optimus sound like an aft-hole, because he's not supposed to be! Just...fooled (?) by Elita.**

**HOPEFULLY THE AUTHOR OF "IF AN AUTOBOT..." WILL LET ME POST PARTS OF HER STORY AS AN 'EPILOGUE' FOR THE PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ OR WON'T EVENTUALLY READ "IF AN AUTOBOT." THERE WILL MOST LIKELY BE ONE LAST CHAPTER COMPLIED OF PARTS OF HER STORY SO THE READERS OF THIS FIC WILL GET TO KNOW HOW IT FINALLY ENDS. SHE'S SO GREAT, I'M SURE SHE'LL LET ME!**


	3. Epilogue

**ATTENTION, I DID NOT WRITE ANY OF THIS! THIS ALL CAME FROM CHAPTER 72 OF "If an Autobot, do NOT do the following" AN AMAZING STORY BY ONE OF MY FAVORITE FANFICTION WRITERS, hummergrey.**

**THESE ARE JUST 2 EXCERPTS FROM hummergrey's STORY.**

* * *

_**IN THIS EXCERPT, SIDESWIPE IS RECOVERING IN RATCHET'S MEDBAY. WHILE TALKING TO RATCHET, SIDESWIPE REMEMBERS THE TIME WHEN HE AND HIS TWIN, SUNSTREAKER, ACCIDENTALLY BROKE OPTIMUS AND ELITA'S HOLOGRAPHIC CRYSTAL:**_

"_Why was that holographic bridge important?" Sideswipe finally asked._

"_Optimus built their names into it, the hologram could be turned upside down to see them. He gave it to her their first vorn of bonding remembrance. It was after the battle of Dengier Four. He was badly hurt but kept his promise to her."_

"_To be there?"_

"_Yes. And she needed him. She had.." the medic trailed off, his optics closing before focusing on the wall. "Your readings are fine," he gruffed. "You are free to go." He turned his back, replacing the cables and wiring into their holders in the lower drawer._

"_Ratchet, what happened to Elita that she needed him? We were added to Prowl's team later. I never heard there were any problems."_

"_That is between her and Optimus. I… can't say. I was her attending medic as were several others," Ratchet admitted. "The spark she carries now is fully functional. I installed a micro receiver in her chest plates for continual monitoring. And she will not be allowed on the battlefield this time until after the sparkling essence is placed in the shell. You can go. I need to make my reports to Prime. You are not my only patient."_

_Sideswipe opened his lip plates to speak then stopped in pain, as his processors realized what the medic had told him indirectly. _

* * *

_**IN THIS EXCERPT, OPTIMUS HAS JUST FOUND OUT THAT ELITA HAD LOST A SPARKLING ALL THAT TIME AGO. SHE EXPLAINS WHAT HAPPENED:**_

_In his private quarters, Optimus received Ratchets report. ::I understand. Keep me informed:: He closed the comm line, optics brightening. His arms remained wrapped around his sparkmate. Elita pressed against him, her spark reaching for his with pain and regret._

_::You should have told me:: Optimus_

_::You were nearly offlined in a battle. You were recovering and you needed to focus on being the last Prime and gathering the Autobot forces under your command:: Elita answered, the barest unevenness in her words._

"_Spark mates come first," he rumbled, switching to words. The emotions were too strong in their bonds. "And you were grieving. I thought you were worried about me, had minor damage repaired and kept busy organizing the femmes under your command. Not recovering from the loss of our first sparkling," Optimus sent love and his need for her as his arms tightened on her rose colored frame._

"_The Decepticon sniper targeted my spark. He missed when I shifted," Elita stated quietly. "The shot went clean through my armor and out the back. My spark spires were part melted, the flux field shattered, dispelling the energy essence."_

"_Who was the sniper?" Prime growled, red seeping into his optics._

"_Chromia offlined him tracing the shot back to its source. Grumbled about it for a joor once I woke in med bay. Wanted to stomp, tear and shred him before he offlined. She didn't miss," Elita said._

_Neither moved, monitoring the readings of her implanted receiver. _

_"Will you be ready when the transfer time arrives?" Elita asked, leaning back to look up at him. _

_"I'm ready now," he smiled at her, leaning down to brush his lip plates across hers. "And Elita, however many you want, I'll help."_

_"I'm sure," she teased. "It's after they are in the shell the work begins."_

* * *

**ONCE AGAIN, I TAKE NOOOOOOOOOOOO CREDIT FOR THIS CHAPTER BECAUSE IT WAS SNIPPETS FROM THE AWESOME MIND OF hummergrey!!!!!!! I love ya!!!!! THANX AGAIN FOR LETTING ME DO THIS!!! (FOR THE RECORD, SHE'S SO GREAT THAT SHE WAS GOING TO LET ME CHANGE IT IF I WANTED TO! HOW GREAT IS SHE!!!)**

**PLEASE GIVE FINAL REVIEWS OF MY SPIN OFF!**


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